“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” -Winston Churchill
Sometimes, life just feels like a huge mess.
There may be times when you don’t feel “good enough” and you feel as though you’re 10 steps behind everyone else.
There may be times when you are suffering through health problems, relationship mishaps, or financial struggles and you won’t know which way is up.
There may be times when you are dealing with a death or a breakup or some other kind of loss and you won’t be sure how to pick up the pieces.
I have been navigating a messy state of being over the course of the past two weeks, and it’s come in the form of, “Oh S#!$, I’m right back where I started and I am drowning in negativity, someone get me out of this mess (or at least throw me a lifeline please?)”. Habits don’t break quickly, much to my dismay.
I haven’t taken much time to myself in the past few weeks. I’m trying to get my life in order before I go back to school while simultaneously trying to maximize the time I spend with the people I care about before I leave. I’ve been spending almost all of my time attending to these two goals, and apparently the auto-pilot function I hoped would control my normal life activities is broken (see This Week’s Lows).
I’ve been reading a book called “Conversations with God”. I won’t dive too deep into it, but my main take away so far has been centered around the idea of relativity, which I’ve mentioned before in one of my posts: you can’t understand “good” without understanding “bad”. And to really understand “good” and “bad”, you have to experience “good” and “bad” for yourself. Further, everything we experience in life is rooted in two polar opposites: love and fear. Fear exists so that we can completely understand love.
Over the past few weeks, feelings rooted in fear have been cropping up in every aspect of my life. Fear that I’m not a good enough friend, a good enough daughter, a good enough girlfriend, a good enough co-worker, a good enough me. So what can I do?
First, I can appreciate my experiences and know that they are the only way to get from Point A (insecure and dependent) to Point B (confident and independent). People can tell me “It does not serve you to let your insecurities control you” a million times over, but until I experience the negative feelings and consequences of allowing my insecurities to control me, I won’t really understand that it’s a bad thing or have the motivation to change. This applies to any aspect of your mindset, habits, or personality that does not serve you: in order to instigate change, it takes both knowing intellectually that you want to change and experiencing the negative consequences related to what you want to change. When is it easier to give up fried food? When you are simply told time and time again that it is bad for you, or after you’ve had a heart attack?
Second, I can instigate change based on what I am learning. So what have I learned this week? I need to take more time for myself to decompress. This week’s post is shorter than my previous posts (and also unedited – please forgive typos) for a reason.
I’m learning to act out of love instead of fear. The going is slower than I would prefer, but I trust that I will get there eventually. That faith will be the source of my enthusiasm and lightheartedness, failure after failure.
This Week’s Highs
1. Enjoying two girls’ nights and a best friend date
2. Enjoying two family dinners
3. Spending some time with one of my
cousins cousblings (cousins for only children who wish they had siblings)
4. Sunday brunch
This Week’s Lows
1. Friday, aka the day that I lost my house key, was late to a doctor’s appointment, left my water bottle at the doctor, said a number of really stupid things, experienced a lot of hip pain, was asked multiple times by my boyfriend if I was miserable at his family dinner (not sure what was wrong with the way I was holding my face but I was actually having a lovely time), and to top it all off, almost accidentally completely blew off my best friend